Struggling

I know, I know. Over a month. Sorry for disappearing into a vast pit of nothingness... but I've been better :-/

I'm falling apart. Emotionally, that is.
Friday last week, ie. 12 days ago, actually just cried and cried for 2 hours. So yeahhhh, life is testing me right now. I'm feeling weak.
Reasons?

1. Not getting anywhere near enough sleep. I've been staying up til 1:30-2:00am most days as I'll be on eBuddy on my iPod touch using the wireless internet to talk to this guy that I like. Heaps. Even though I'll see him at school. Anyway that's a HUGE rant, so I won't go into that just now. (Oh by the way, I wake up at 6:00-6:30am so that I can get a few things done before catching a bus at 7:45am... 5 hours sleep.... that's less than half of what I SHOULD be getting...) My plan is that in the holidays, I'll go to be at either 8 or 9pm, wake up at 5:30am, go for a run, get home, shower, eat a Tiny breakfast (water, multivitamin, soymilk, maybe cereal if I feel I earnt it). So it'll be goo to be getting sleep again :-)

2. I've been stressed a lot lately. Various different reasons. Mostly school and dealing with communication issues. My family and I haven't been getting along too well lately. (However that is on the mend, thankfully!) And just because I finish year 9 in a week, doesn't mean that I have no school work. Stupid debating and last minute cramming of maths by my teacher. Anyway that SHOULD be gone sooooon. A week. Then I'm free to cage myself and force myself to be at least remotely pretty...

3. Stupid boys. It's such a love/hate situation. I like this guy at school, right... and it's been, what?, 3 months now. Some days I really think he likes me... but then I'll wake up and be like "WTH is wrong you, girl?!?! Yes, you are fat and ugly and repulsive, but that shouldn't mean you're a total numb-skull!!" So the self-esteem is Even Lower than usual.

4. I don't want to eat it, but I still do. This afternoon is the perfect example: 2 ice-creams, then chocolate milk... I was happy with just having one ice-cream (170c) because I figured that I had a small breaky, only had seasame seed snaps, an apple and a sandwich today, so a little extra wouldn't be too bad. BUT then I was like, the ice-cream...it's gone. Already.... I'll have another. So I got up and eat and eat. It's like I'm trying to sabotauge myself. Make things worse so that I feel worse... I Really Hate Myself right now. I wish I could just disappear. I swear, if I could just stop these after school binges, I would've started to lose already. I'm still hovering at 65kg. I went up to 67 or so a few days ago... Was Horrible. Slowly trying to get to 62kg. Then I'll go for the Glorious 60. Then my goal to reach before school goes back in (late January) is 55kg. That's 10kg in 8 weeks or so. ULTIMATE GOAL to reach before school goes back would be about 50. But I'll be happy with 55. Those 10kg would be a noticeable difference ... Even with my warped perseption of my body.

Writing all this crap down is making me feel for determined and less pissed at myself.

And you know what I hate... Not only feeling full, but feeling OVERLY full. Like you've over-eaten. I hate it so much. I feel it so much... I forget what hunger feels like. Okay well I haven't eaten for 2 hours, and my tummy is a bit rgdfsgadha as it was ice-cream. Won't eat until dinner, then won't eat until breakfast.
Oh how I hope I can stick to that...

Thought about trying the ABC, but decided to put that off until after Christmas, because then I will be home to control it, and I won't have a mega family lunch+dinner to deal with. Oh what fun That will be...


Hope you skinny bitches are having fun.
LOVE, xo L

But I'm not hungry...

There is such a thing as perfect.
Being hungry for it isn't good enough.
You have to be starving.
Just something that I wrote down while deep in thought yesterday. I tend to do that...

Haven't posted in a while. I didn't want to put post after post of failure.

This week I worked in a canteen for 2 days. The pay was good, but I had to taste test hot chips so that I knew that they were cooked for the hungry fat-people that were hastily waiting. On top of that, I tried to only eat a few apples during the 7 hours of work, except my friend and a lady who works with my Mum, who was also helping out, both noticed I hadn't eaten much. So they fed me a cookie, a meat pie with sauce and a corneto.
AHHH!!
I'd get home to find out that we're having a huge dinner and am expected to eat a lot as I worked sooo hard all day. And yes I worked really really hard, but I DON'T WANT TO EAT!

Anyway, lighter note.
Sort of anyway.
Year 9 camp starts on Monday. Goes til Wednesday. Apparently it's tiring and the food is awful. YES! Plus after that, I'll be able to sit at school watching other people gorge their faces whilst in my mind I'll be guessing how many calories and how many grams of sugar and fat are in it. There won't be the temptation of the fridge :)
BUT I will have after-school snacking to deal with.

Not eating much is hard when Mum makes muffins, I made a cake for my sister (and there are leftovers) and when there are family meals. -sigh-

THIN THIN THIN
I have to stay focused.

I'll post again tomorrow, and then there won't be anything again till Wednesday night.
I'll tell you all about my camp.

Current weight: 65.25kg (about 144lbs)
(Keep in mind though, it's 11:10pm right now, I've had dinner, water, my hair is a bit damp from my shower earlier, etc.
We'll see what I am tomorrow morning.
Then I'll weigh again Monday morning, and then again Wednesday night and Thursday morning.
Sport on Thursday, so Friday morning I'll weigh again.
I know, I'm obsessive...
It is and ED afterall.)

Hope everyone is going well!
Think thin thoughts :)
♥

Footnote: First follower! I'm quite happy about that :)