Time was needed, time has been had. Now down to business.

It's been over a month and a half since I last posted. My excuse? My deepest, innermost emotions were tearing me apart. Any moment I had alone with nothing distracting to think of, I'd feel overwhelmed and lost and quite often would begin to cry uncontrollabley. So I've been working on my relaitonships with my parents and sister which has changed a lot. I'm working on getting rid of a toxic relationship with a 'friend'; she's in the year above me and she's a mess. Not going to go into that because it's just so stressing and complicated (read as: too long, boring and I don't want to put either of us through that).

I'm a lot happier these days, which is a very welcome change. I've become a quieter person, but I've learnt to feel simple peace. When the world around me is quiet, so is my mind. Once upon a time it was crazy, screaming for reasons unknown, but now... I feel relief. I feel change.

It occurred to me about a week after my previous post that I needed to remove the demons from inside my heart and mind before I would have any chance of truly giving this fighting battle the best effort that I can.

I sit here today in the study of my Aunt's house in Houston, Texas. Tomorrow morning we (father, mother, sister, myself) fly home to Sydney via Los Angeles. I by no means mean to offend anyone, but I miss the food back home. Everything here feels so heavy in my stomach, and the tap water doesn't seem quite right (I'm just used to our tap water back home I suppose). So I know I had chocolate today... and a big lunch at Olive Garden.. but when I get home, it'll be Tuesday, the 4th of January, ie. the first day of this being Real. Of me truly dedicating myself to a healthier, happier, thinner, smarter me.

I start year 11 in less than a month. My goal is to be under 65 kilos by them. The scales here are inconsistent, so I'm not certain what I weigh, but I'm not letting that bother me too much. My guess is about 70 kilos right now, which is annoying, but important. It's that annoyance of clothes not fitting, it's that annoyance of being the curvy girl in the group, it's that annoyance of feeling that wherever I go, thinner people stare and critise me. It's that annoyance that will be the first big push that I need.

Everything here in America is so much cheaper than back home, so naturally, be bought some of everything (read as: lots of everything). This includes running shoes. Trying the shoes out meant I had to run.. sprinting up and down the long corridor at the edge of the isles over and over for each pair of shoes felt exhilarating... even in jeans. I MISS exercise, not because of the engery I burn, but because of the feeling of moving, freedom as the air pushes against my face and the pulsing of oxygen through my blood. Maybe it was just the sudden endorphin rush.. but my guess is a mix of the two.

I now have two target pieces of clothing: a pair of denim shorts bought in October 2009 and a new lace dress from Forever 21 (I have fallen helplessly and deeply inlove with that store). I haven't tried the shorts for a few months... but my thighs buldge out from the legs of the shorts.. at least they did last time. The dress, however, is a Very snug fit. Mum almost didn't let me get it, but she could see in my eyes how badly I needed something to work towards, plus she agreed that it's a Really pretty dress. Might post a before photo in the dress when I get home, etc. We'll see.

That's all I really have to say right now. Will post again with either a photo or good news. Until then, best wishes for the New Year for all of you! May the year ahead be of prosperity, accomplishment and protruding bones.

With love, x