First post in far too long. No wonder I'm fatter...

Fuck this.

fat
depression
anger
tears
food
hatred
studying
zits
heart-wretching boys
parents that act asian but aren't
my phone not working
my internet being hormonal
my sister being hormonal
my thighs/bum/tum
yuck. gag. spew. wish i could will myself to purge... but my teeth mean too much to me, esp after 18 months of braces and counting
boys that break my friends' hearts
my clothes being tight in all the wrong places: tiny boobs, fat ass. wheres the balance? ..there is none
being lazy
it raining the days i decide to go running, and therefore cant
those friggen' bitches at school who snigger and stare. yes im fat, leave me alone, skinny bitch. let's trade bodies, see how you feel then, thunder thighs.

i feel mean :-/

I'm so sick of this. I can't stick to anything. As of tomorrow, I'm watching everything I eat. I'm tired of 'trying', inside I'm living, but emotionally, I'm dying. Dying to be HOT. Attractive even... Is that really too much to ask for? A little less fat and more self-esteem? Far outtttt.... where did my self-esteem go?? I used to ooze it. But that was before I realised I wasn't as skinny as I used to be. That was a few years ago... since then, it's faded to a mere glimmer of failure.

So this is it: turning that glimmer of failure into a spark of hope.

I turn 16 in September.
Year 10 formal in November or early December. Something along those lines.
I'm going to America for a family holiday just before Christmas. IE. Lots of shopping.. I want to buy SMALL clothes, that'll fit for Yearsssss...

Call me selfish. I am right now.. I WANT to be smaller, I want to be happier, I want to be confident... No matter what it takes. I'm not asking to be skin on bones. That's a bit too far. People do notice when your wasting away...
There's this girl at school. She is SO skinny, but she looks like a fossil in the making. I don't want to be That.
But I want to know what my body looks like without all that orange goo under my skin.

Yeah body fat is yellowy-orange for all of your who didn't know that.

POINT BEING:

This year, I have deadlines: school work, assessments, School Cert., ...and dates that I want to be thin by. It Will happen. I don't care how much sweating I'll have to do. How sore my muscles will become. Sugar is sweet, but confidence is bliss.
And I want it back.


Today was a bit of a fail: had hot chocolate and crumpets with butter and mayo on a wrap that was gross and didn't eat much of, and wayy too much spaghetti.

Tomorrow, here's a plan.
Breakfast: glass of soy milk No... I have 3 tests tomorrow... I'll need to be awake. I will bother to make an omelette.
Recess: cottage cheese. 50g.
Lunch: red apple
Afternoon tea: litre of water. That's IT. Go for 1.5L if I'm up for it.
Dinner: small amount of what I'm friggen served.

Let's do this.


Love ♥